We Just Arrrrrrrrre!

Why be everyone talkin' crazy this day?

Talk Like a Pirate Day it be!

Okay . . . but . . . why are all these pirates so grumpy?

WE JUST ARRRRRRRRRRE!


That is my favorite joke ever (because I'm a huge dork). However, my favorite presentation of a pirate joke ever was when my friend and I were riding in a full Sears Tower elevator and some guy shouted out, "How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? Buck-an-ear!" (Why are these pirates so random?)

As for this holiday, I appreciate it, but remember not to get carried away. In related news, I would like to take this opportunity to say in defense of the state of Oregon that this pirate family you saw on Wife Swap—blimey! We think they're nutters too.

Aye aye!

I Have Found the Perfect Hair Product

And it is this:

From the news report*:

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.

A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."

*Okay, it's from the Onion. Which is fake news, for those of you who are satire uninitiated (and really, really gullible). Get thee over there and partake of the rest of the article and other Onion hilarity. Dang, I wish that was my job.

Morning Giggle with a Side of Silly

I have found the perfect T-shirt for our friend Gus:

Donuts and Bacon: Taste We Can Believe In

You have to click the link to see the image. Do it, because the words alone don't capture it.

That is, ahem, deliciously ridiculous.

Don't SAHMBOSS Me(me) Around

This is Porter’s fault.

She tagged me with this meme/award which is now known as The Super Awesome Hot Mama Blogger or some [edit:] shizzle (SAHMBOSS) meme/award. So you can blame her for the introduction of naughty language to this blog (oh, you know you say it too), the ensuing waste of your time, and in the case of some of you, your being tagged too.

Below are my answers to some scintillating (or not) questions. I have tried to incorporate “ice cream” into as many as possible. Then I will “tag” some more of you SAHMBOSS chicas to post your answers, tag your friends, yada yada yada, we’ll all know way too much about each other.

Let the SAHMBOSSing around begin!

A. Attached or single? Attached via wedding ring.

B. Best friend? My husband. (It can be both true and a cop-out, right?)

C. Cake or pie? Pie. Or whatever comes with ice cream.

D. Day of choice? Friday.

E. Essential item? Laptop with wireless. Camera. Toothbrush.

F. Favorite color? Yellow.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Not a fan of either, but the worms have an extra ick factor.

H. Hometown? Rockpile, MI.

I. Indulgence? Staying up way too late eating Chinese food and ice cream and watching mindless TV.

J. January or July? Clearly someone in the desert wrote this meme. July!

K. Kids? One and only.

L. Life isn’t complete without? Purpose. Community. Food. The great outdoors. Ice cream.

M. Marriage date? No, we don't go on dates; we're married. Oh, when did we get married? June 21 (the longest day . . . insert joke here) of 1997.

N. Number of brothers & sisters? 1 older brother.

O. Oranges or apples? Apples – they equal fall.

P. Phobias? Uh . . . pregnancy? Ice cream shortage? Four more years? Losing health insurance.

Q. Quotes? “Assemble in your imagination all the friends that you enjoy being with most, the companions that evoke the deepest joy, your most stimulating relationships, the most delightful of shared experiences, the people with whom you feel completely alive—that is a hint of heaven.” —Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

R. Reasons to smile? My daughter’s smile. My husband’s laugh. Hints of heaven. Ice cream in the freezer.

S. Season of choice? Fall (aka football season).

T. Tag seven peeps! (see below)

U. Unknown fact about me? In first grade I wrote stories about two guys named “Something and Nothing” which were apparently ripped off for Dumb and Dumber, except mine were funnier.

V. Vegetable? Corn on the cob fresh from the garden, or really anything fresh from the garden.

W. Worst habits? Potty mouth, wasting time on the Internet, procrastination, staying up too late.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Uh, who wants either?

Y. Your favorite food? Ice cream.

Z. Zodiac sign? Leo, not that I understand what that constellation has to do with my 1/12th of the population. But I do like lions.

I’m tagging:

RMM, Cat, Amy, Gretchen, Ren, Jenny, Carrie, and anyone else (mama or not!) who wants to join the fun. Get on it, you SAHMBOSSes!

Beast #92

It's Saturday. That means tomorrow is a religious day in our house: FOOTBALL DAY.

The Lions are 6-2 (about to be 7-2). Hop on the playoffs train now, if you're not already on The List. (Those on The List are not allowed to cheer for the Lions when they reach the Super Bowl, because these non-fans have made too many disparaging comments. We don't allow hypocritical bandwagoning once the dynasty has begun.)

This year I've been collecting photos of our team, especially the large and in charge #92 Shaun Rogers, acting out our favorite cheer, like this to start the season: RIP HIS HEAD OFF!

Those arms are scary.

This one, I love tiny Greise's face: "Mama!"



This one reminds me of the end of Bill Cosby's Fat Albert routine: "We give! He ain't fallin' on us!"

Oh, but this--THIS!--it does not get any better, or more exciting, or funnier, than this 360 pounds of grace:





Time to feed The Beast, football fans. You gotta feed The Beast. And give him oxygen.














Tune in next week to see how Kurt Warner looks with his head ripped off.

Baptism in Pictures

For those of you craving more detail (for some strange reason), here are more pictures from Anna's baptism day, with helpful captions and witty commentary.

First, Pastor J says some stuff. We taught Anna to look interested.

Next, we hand her off so he can show his skills
at juggling a baby and a small pitcher of water while praying.
He holds a doctorate in this.

Water is applied to baby's forehead in thoughtfully small amounts,
despite to a certain reverend's reputation to the contrary.
Baby's father shows signs of needing to go get a glass of water himself.(When said father starts to cry during a movie, he suddenly thirsts and goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water as a coverup. However, since he once revealed this to the whole church in a sermon, now everyone knows what a big crybaby he is, especially when adoption-pregnant. I mean, come on--A Night at the Museum? That's not a tearjerker.)


Pastor says, "Ta-daaaaa!"
Or is it "Whaaaat? Did you think I was going to dump this whole thing on her?"
(Um, why do you think there are twelve towels on hand?)


We hold up all of coffee mingle to pose for the paparazzi parishioners.
In case you didn't know, "coffee mingle" is not half regular, half decaf.
It is Presbyterian for "fellowshiping," which passes as a word only
in the Baptist dialect, roughly translated "hanging out over food."


It was a lovely cake. Even butterflies were drawn to it.


On your baptism day you are allowed to stick your fist into your cake.
You don't want to know what I'm doing in the above picture.
I edited it out to spare my mother. But I bet some of you could guess.


Mmm, mmm, sacramentally good!