From the news report*:
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.
A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."
*Okay, it's from the Onion. Which is fake news, for those of you who are satire uninitiated (and really, really gullible). Get thee over there and partake of the rest of the article and other Onion hilarity. Dang, I wish that was my job.