Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Neither Amish Nor Friendly

Amish Friendship Bread is neither Amish nor friendly. Discuss.

Okay, I'll start.

First of all, I'm not even sure it's bread.

Second, when did the Amish start using Ziploc bags and boxed instant vanilla pudding?

Third, giving it is not a sign of friendship. It's more like a curse. Every ten days it multiplies to four times its original size. I guess I am supposed to make three friends a week, because I ran out of my original friends. Or we're not friends any more after I infected their houses with this stuff. It's like giving them Gremlins.

Fourth, due to the inclusion of the Amish Boxed Instant Pudding (see point 2), should one attempt to get ahead of the multiplication curve (see point 3) by making a double batch (who the heck has 8 Ziploc bags and friends to spare?) and in the process accidentally omit some ingredient . . . such as, say, apparently, flour . . . one will have invented the newly trademarked Amish Charcoal Cement. It is a lovely substance, with an oily, goopy center cradled in an impenetrable coal crust. Even after five days of soaking, scientists have been unable to completely eradicate it from the pan.

I think I would like to go back to banana bread. Can someone stop by with a metal spoon and an exorcist?

12 comments:

heather said...

Hee. So true.

I might excuse all of that if it were tasty. But it's not even really all that good.

Carol said...

Thanks for making me LAUGH OUT LOUD! Couldn't sleep, thought I would blog hop... Enjoyed your blog =)

Jenny said...

You mean Amish friendship bread has made its way to the West coast and it's not just an Amish-country curse??

"It's like giving them Gremlins"...

Best. Quote. Ever.

Enor said...

But the Gremlins are so cute.

My mind just made an Amish Friendship Bread movie trailer.

Jenny said...

BTW, would oven cleaner work to remove the Amish Charcoal Cement from the pan? Or maybe running it through the self-clean cycle of the oven...your poor pan will never be the same again!

And I disagree with Heather - I think it is pretty good, but it's such a pain and you then inflict that pain on your friends (who may not remain your friends) that it's not worth it!

habeshachild said...

um, what is Amish friendship bread?

paige said...

okay, so for the record, the Amish do use mixes for things, so the vanilla pudding in the bread isn't necessarily non-Amish, but uh, like habesha child, I must ask:

What is Amish friendship bread?

Jenny said...

Look! Two people to send it to!! (If the USPS doesn't deem it hazardous, that is)

HumbleA.S.S. said...

hahaha! I love it! so very true... it's a curse when you get that bread!

WMW said...

You all are cracking me up. Stunning level of interest in this topic.

Amish friendship bread is the chain letter of food. Someone gives you a "starter" which hangs arounds your house for days until you add things to make a ridiculous amount of new starter and a coffeecake-type bread. It just makes waaaaaay too much. But if you kill it are you rejecting your friend?

Ha! Even Wikipedia notes the trouble with "controlling the starter cycle"! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish_Friendship_Bread

pmfh said...

When in doubt, go back to basics: Kill it with fire!

:D

Anonymous said...

"When in doubt, throw it out" --Mom (a perfect rulel for many situations!)