How's the Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid So Far?

I'm watching the NFL Draft (and working) without my man today because he's at a youth event until late tonight. So no party despite the Lions' dubious honor of picking #1. And no suspense either (until pick #20) since the Lions signed their #1 pick last night: quarterback Matthew Stafford.

And the fans' reaction? Let's just say they may have grown a tad cynical. Some quips from the message boards after the deal was announced:

• The Detroit news is reporting that a 1,000 Lions fans have jumped off the Ambassador Bridge. They're doing all they can to save the people.
• Stafford, let me introduce you to the wheel chair.
• OK . . . well, welcome to Detroit, Matt! Now get rid of that damn curse and win us a super bowl . . . you have your hands full.
• Congrats, Matt! If anyone knows how to lead a team to a championship that hasn't won since 1957, it's you.
• Mr. Stafford, welcome to the Lion Nation. We are harsh, sometimes brutal, but loyal. Welcome to hell, rook!!!!
• Congratulations, Matt. Now you have the time and money to take piano lessons.
• Fan 1: "Hopefully now The Curse of Bobby Lane is officially over!" Fan 2: "For $78 million, something had better be over."
• Stafford, welcome to the Lions--if you are a pro bowler and hall of famer, you won't get booed.
• Can he be converted to a left tackle?
• It's time for the rest of the league to prepare . . . for a Staff Infection!

And most disturbingly:

• He will play in year one because I want to see my investment and my draft choice in action. Sincerely, William Clay Ford Sr.

Nooooooooooooo!

But hey, it's spring. Hope springs delusional eternal in for Lions fans. Anna says, "More Kool-Aid please!"

Or if you're not drinking the Kool-Aid yet, add your own smart-aleck quip below!


Awaiting pick #20 . . .

"We're Lions fans. The draft is our Super Bowl."

Ahh, That New Coach Smell

It's that time of every-three-years again: a new coach for the Detroit Lions is announced!

The lucky daring soul this time was the Tennessee Titans' defensive coordinator, Jim Schwartz. [Insert Spaceballs joke here.] I must have been pondering this the other night before bed, because I had a vivid and hilarious dream involving Titans coach Jeff Fisher showing me around a "training camp" which looked like a summer camp--while I was wearing pajamas. I asked him about the possibility of getting a job since I knew I'd be cut from the team (ya think?). I love my crazy dreams.

Coach Schwartzbewithyou is certainly saying all the right things to impress me so far. Then again, don't they all? I am just glad they pulled the trigger on who they wanted so they can get on with hiring assistants and scouting for the draft. Can we interest anyone in a really expensive #1 pick? Please? Nope, we are probably stuck with it. Let the great QB vs. O-line vs. defense debate commence. After all, the fans have been anticipating this #1 pick since, well, the disastrous first play of the regular season. It's all we have to what we look forward to. As the saying goes, "We're the Lions. The draft is our Super Bowl."

But hope springs eternal even, or especially, in beaten-down Detroit. Mitch Albom wrote a great (if a tad schmaltzy) article called "The Courage of Detroit" which captures this spirit. It's almost enough to make a person want to move to Michigan. (Okay, maybe not quite to the eastern part though.)

Coach Schwartzbewithyou, we wish you luck, perseverance, a sharp shovel, and the wisdom to not take the wind.

Who do you think the Lions should draft #1? And clearly a different question: who do you think they will draft?

Detroit Sunday Best

Photo taken during the Lions Thanksgiving Day Disaster of 2008. Aaron wishes it to be known, for the record, that he was doing this under duress.

Like all of America watching that game.

Overheard in Youth Work

Teenager: He asked if I was a Ducks fan or a Beavers fan and I said neither, I’m a Detroit Lions fan, and he fell on the floor laughing.

Deep Thought

Bill Ford Jr.: has not taken a salary since 2005.

Matt Millen: employed and paid until 2008.

Now that is just WRONG!

Sunday Sad-Day

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Owen.

Owen who?

Owen sixteen! (0-16) The Lions stink!


Unfortunately, they also no longer know who to fire. Hmm.


UPDATE: Through the wonder of Google's 10th anniversary time machine, you can search the oldest websites Google has stored and find the Lions' website from 2001, when they celebrated not being the NFL's first-ever 0-16 team, having won their first game of the season in . . . December. Oh dear lord.

Detroit Rejoice!

This morning I got an email from my husband regarding a hot rumor. The subject line:

:-D :-D :-D I hope this is true!!!!

What could reduce my plentifully manly husband to the emoticonography of a 14-year-old girl?

The rumor, soon proved true, that in a glimmer of hope that in response to the cries and prayers and public displays of agony of many, Detroit Lions General (mis)Manager Matt "31-84" Millen has at long last been fired.

Hope is restored that the Curse of Bobby Layne may finally be coming to an end.

The season, however, probably remains lost. (See, I am finally learning to lower my expectations.) But we still feel a lot better!

Ahh, memories . . .


How'd all that work out?

Oh yeah. Joey got fired (again) today too. Mmm, irony.

Friday Night Lights

We didn't stay through the whole game so I can't report the final score, but I can tell you that we were leading in turnovers turned over.

And that the senior class is raffling off two cords of wood.

And that I had a somewhat hard time not giggling at the patriotic leprechaun.

Work Hard, Play Hard

Crazy days. This week is looking to be divided into the categories work hard (last few days) and socialize hard (next few days). I finished a project, am starting a new one, and have another lined up for after that with possibly another to follow. I would say "The Universe" received all my positive vibes and sent me the work I so desire, except that—here's a Secret for ya—I think that's a bunch of baloney since people who talk this way can't seem to decide whether "The Universe" is a person, place, or thing.

The universe also failed to provide my true desire, which was for my daughter to go back to sleep after she woke up at 5:35 a.m.

Today is the first preseason game for the Lions. We plan to watch via a series of tubes (Internet) before moving on to the important task of going to friends' house for dinner and to steal play with their Wii.

The other day Aaron put Anna in her Detroit Lions pajamas that were way too big for last year. I came downstairs to say goodnight and she showed me all the lions, pointing and whispering Raaar. Raaar. Her lions always whisper. Insert your own Detroit Kittens meow joke here.

As for Brett Favre, I can't believe he's a Jet now. Even more sad is that now the NFL Network will stop playing that footage of him working out in Mississippi. Where it's hot. Very, very hot. And sweaty . . . and tan. . . . Sorry, you were saying? Oh, right. Jets. Whatever.

Tomorrow we are going up to Portland for an Ethiopian adoption shindig organized around the presence of the lovely Paige, Chou of Habesha Child, and others who are gathering to work on the foundation they started called Ethiopian Orphan Relief. We never make it up to these kinds of gatherings, so this will be our first time meeting some of my online friends (and people I just stalk, ha) from Portland as well as the esteemed visitors. But some of our kids go way back, of course, to their Toukoul orphanage days. Doesn't that just blow your mind?

Please do hop over to the Ethiopian Orphan Relief site and see what they're working on. The funds they raise will help the various organizations in Ethiopia that they have partnered with provide the kids they serve with the things they need and complete projects such as playgrounds and water filtration. I'm eager to hear about it firsthand. And that means you're going to keep hearing about it!

Saturday we are slated for dinner with friends in late celebration of my birthday. I guess if I can't have a Wii, I get to pick the place. (This is our running joke now: "Look at that yacht! You can get me one of those, but if I can't have that, I want a Wii.") Hmm . . . in lieu of Wii, Chinese food or seafood?

Real Good and Real Fake Football

We don't watch much football besides our beloved Lions, but oh me oh my what a Thursday night football game we are enjoying. Thank you NFL Network. Well, I am still watching--yes, I outlast my husband at watching football. And the day the commentator said they ran a stunt and Aaron said, "What's a stunt?" and I said, "It's when two defensive lineman switch positions"? Priceless. Thank you Idiot's Guide to Football.

It's sad that Brett is on the sidelines . . . but what's the only consolation for missing his on-the-field glory? The glory that is Sidelines Brett. I'm just sayin', the old man wears a hat well too. As for young Aaron Rodgers, now that he finally got to take off his sidelines hat for once, he can pull out of his I'll-never-play depression and cut his hair. And all of Wisconsin can stop crying; he wasn't bad.

Postgame Update: Dangit, Brett could've pulled that out with a minute left. Cancel the shave, Rodgers.

Tomorrow is an even greater football day: the school's Powder Puff game! The honyacks on student council couldn't get it together enough to have it during Homecoming week, so now we will all freeze our patooties off for three hours because Young Life is once again having a tailgate party beforehand. I'm not sure if Enor and Waltino will be allowed to "commentate" once again. Perhaps one too many principal/leprechaun comparisons last year. I won't be doing my famously funny sassy sidelines reporting video shtick. But I do believe there will be flying stuffed monkeys involved, so it's sure to be a ridiculously good time. Support your local fake sports!

Announcer: You know, it’s really tough to make predictions. Especially about the future.

Student: I think the announcers should go home.
Reporter: They will never go.

Gratuitous Football Violence, Week 11

Big, big game for us in NFL Week 11. Now, I'm not saying I wish injury on anyone, but remember, little Eli, what happened to the last quarterback who stepped into our house . . .


That's right. We ripped his head leg off.

How do you like the Claw?

Postgame Letdown

Okay, so that didn't quite work out as hoped. Dangerous territory for those of you on List Probabation. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Small consolation photo: they still almost ripped his head off.

Beast #92

It's Saturday. That means tomorrow is a religious day in our house: FOOTBALL DAY.

The Lions are 6-2 (about to be 7-2). Hop on the playoffs train now, if you're not already on The List. (Those on The List are not allowed to cheer for the Lions when they reach the Super Bowl, because these non-fans have made too many disparaging comments. We don't allow hypocritical bandwagoning once the dynasty has begun.)

This year I've been collecting photos of our team, especially the large and in charge #92 Shaun Rogers, acting out our favorite cheer, like this to start the season: RIP HIS HEAD OFF!

Those arms are scary.

This one, I love tiny Greise's face: "Mama!"



This one reminds me of the end of Bill Cosby's Fat Albert routine: "We give! He ain't fallin' on us!"

Oh, but this--THIS!--it does not get any better, or more exciting, or funnier, than this 360 pounds of grace:





Time to feed The Beast, football fans. You gotta feed The Beast. And give him oxygen.














Tune in next week to see how Kurt Warner looks with his head ripped off.