The Privilege of Hair Space

Seinfeld of the day: "Should we be talking about this?"

Perhaps you were wondering where I was going with this baby-touching post. I hope I can throw some thoughts out without sounding too nutters. I may need my favorite college soc major to help me out.

As y'all noted, people like to touch babies, even if they don't know them. That's understandable to some extent, depending on the situation.

The skin thing I can let go because it's usually just a hand, which baby herself reaches out or could pull away, and it's usually baby-loving adults talking about how soft baby skin always is. If someone seems amazed at the softness I just smile and with my best Queer Eye for the Straight Guy voice say, "Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!"

But I have really been noticing the head-touching lately and it's starting to bother me. It's just really, really too much like petting sometimes. I love her curls too, but she's not a poodle, people.

I let a lot of things go because it's teenagers who are the most frequent offenders--probably 75 percent--and I know they just plain don't have much sense of certain social graces like personal space and baby boundaries. Let alone, here where we live, extra sensitivity to how it might look and feel for them to be so grabby with the only black child in sight or the knowledge that just because she's black doesn't mean she'll grow the kind of massive disco-funk afro they think would be flippin' sweet.

And now I think that's exactly why I need to not let it go so much: lest they think it's okay to touch a black baby's (or any baby's, actually) head without hesitation or asking, and so think it's okay to touch a black three-year-old's head/hair any old time, without asking. And then a ten-year-old's hair. And a fourteen-year-old's hair. And then that poor only black girl on her dorm floor's hair (because I recall this interview I did at my 90% white college with the school's minority student representative and how she mentioned how while the black students were all for talking openly about race, it gets awful tiresome to have everyone wanting to feel your hair all the time). And God forbid they develop some kind of embarrassing Barbara Walters pawing compulsion. Newsflash: Black people don't like random people touching their heads. (Also, this just in, parents don't like random people touching their babies!)

So why did I ask this on MLK Day? Well, first of all, it was just on my mind because I'd noticed a lot of head-patting on our last outings (and yes, it's starting to mess up her hair), and I was wondering how to politely discourage this. Then I wondered how other parents deal with this and realized that it probably wasn't a major concern for most of my white friends with white babies. Of course, as your comments noted, we all deal with the touching to some extent, because people just can't seem to keep their hands off of babies. But I'm telling you, it's like her hair is magnetized for some people. And here, I think, is the important difference: If your child is white, you never have to wonder if people are touching her because she's black. (You also don't get hair care questions or all those afro jokes.)

When you don't have to think about a problem that other people have to deal with, that's called a privilege. In this case, an example of white privilege. I'm not mad about it or anything; obviously we signed up for this, and it's more of an observation than a problem at this point. I'm just a sociology nerd who found it interesting that while some people would say this privilege doesn't even exist, here I'd found an example to add to my personal list (right after inability to purchase inconspicuous Band-Aids).

Maybe you think I'm thinking too much about this. Maybe you're thinking, as Peggy McIntosh puts it, "my chief worries about [my white children] do not concern others' attitudes toward their race." But that's my point: they don't have to if your child's in the majority. I'm just saying that if you've never thought about how people react to your child's race at all--never wondered how to keep well-meaning curiosity from one day turning into a lot of burden for a little girl to bear--well, isn't it a privilege that you don't have to worry about that on top of all the other worries about creepy grabby people in general and plastics leeching into food and the icecaps melting and yada yada yada?

All I can tell you is that from my observation, people touch my girl's hair a lot. So the next question is, how do I reverse this trend? I think my new rule might be if you're not holding her, don't touch her (head). If she reaches her hand out to touch you, that's different, of course. But I've never once seen her thrust her head at someone. And I'm just sayin', there's a difference between needing one of these:
and also needing one of these:


We'll take one of each, please!



Postscript disclaimer: If you're a friend or relative reading this, don't worry, I probably don't mind you touching my baby.

Illustrated Guide to Baby Care

Where was this before I had a baby? I could have been saved a lot of anxiety had I simply had this handy visual guide!

Do's and Don'ts with Babies

What's your favorite? I think I might have to go with the fish tank.

My MLK Day Survey

On this MLK Day, I have some questions for all you parents out there. I need your input, so please comment here or email me. The question of the day is . . .

When you are (or were) out and about with your baby (or one-year-old and beyond), do people touch your baby? And more specifically, do they touch your baby's head?

And on a related note, how about stroking your baby's skin, such as on the arm, and admiring its softness?

Finally, for, uh, statistical purposes . . . what is your baby's race and what is yours?

I am thinking here not of people you are close to, who would be holding and playing with your baby, but acquaintances and even strangers who would approach while you're holding or standing/sitting with your child.

Hit me with your experiences and then I'll hit you with my thoughts. Thanks.


Meanwhile, unity is the great need of the hour.

Uh huh, pretty soon I am going to need one of these.

Remembering Lila, Promoted to Glory

April 16, 2007
We prayed in the room off the sanctuary before church, and she lingered in the room. My husband went to her, "Lila, can I have a hug?" "Yes!" she exclaimed in her old-lady voice. "I love you..." She held him as long and as hard as her ninety-one-year-old arms could, until I barged in for my turn. "I need a Lila hug too."

Lila does not hug briefly, carelessly. She embraces. She stands firm, and time stands still. In comparison I am a quick embracer, and the hug might have gone on much longer had I not kissed her cheek and pulled back to look at her. Lila also looks, sees, fearlessly. Her old body wavers now, her watery eyes struggle to focus, but they never leave my face. "I love you," I say, pleased to have beaten her to it. "I love you," she says, but not as an ending--she seems to have more to say; she does not lift her gaze. She takes my face in her soft, wrinkled, precious hands. "You are so precious..."

I am taken aback, though she has heaped such kindness on me before. I want to say, Why do you love me so much? What have I ever done to be precious to you? It makes no sense, the passion with which she cherishes me. She once told me, "I loved you before I knew you!" Why? I have no words in response, but today I feel tears coming to my eyes. My heart aches with love for this old saint and the thought of losing her, aches to see her growing frail and to know that behind her constant smile--honest and sincere though it is--lie more frequent losses in the battle to keep her body going strong.

We stand face to face for another minute, me groping for words, she contentedly searching my face as though seeking to remember it forever. But it is I who must remember.

Someday we're going to lose her. And she's so, so precious to me.

_____
Last week we lost her, and today an overflowing church gathered to remember. Two weeks ago at church we knew she lay in the hospital, waiting to go home, and the weight of it hung over the congregation. I couldn't hold back the tears when Terry sang "Give me Jesus" (have I ever not cried when Terry sings this?).

She was more with us today than that day, for she sits now in the third pew of the great cloud of witnesses, grinning her ever-present smile and swaying and bobbing her head to the music. But her hands and eyes and voice are strong again, and next time I am sure to bring Anna over to see her, she will be strong enough to hold her in her arms, take her face in her hands, and jubilantly proclaim, "I loved you before I knew you!"

And she did. Lila loved and prayed for many, many around the world--vast networks of missionary friends from her days in missions in Peru and a lifetime of remembering and entreating others to remember in prayer those hungry for the gospel and those setting it free all around the globe. And she loved and prayed for us, before she even knew us, for our little piece of gospel-work here in humble SmallPort. And she loved and prayed for Anna, before she even knew her.

In May we had a garage sale with many items donated by friends to help raise adoption funds. Lila told me before the sale that she was looking for an adding machine that printed onto tape. I was tickled to find one in a box of donations and present it to her at church the next week. She said, "I will give you 25 dollars." I laughed and said, "Lila, you don't have to give me anything! It's only worth 25 cents." In the mail the following week I received a check for $25.25 and this note:


I posted it on my wall to encourage me through the difficult final weeks of our process. I think it will be a long time until I can bring myself to take it down. We miss our spunky, gracious, encouraging, ever joyful Lila already, but this good and faithful servant has earned her rest. As our pastor and his family members always say, I want to grow up to be like Lila Smiley. Which is really just another way of saying, You can have all this world--Give me Jesus.

What We Did on Our Christmas Vacation Trip

EDIT: Now with photos!

Long overdue tales of holidays past . . . (for more photos see previous post).

I have already detailed the travel endurance trials portion of our journey and the physical and emotional recovery period. I should note that once we got back into our routine, Anna got back into her easygoing nature, although we did have one heckuva long night last week with a very unhappy, nonsleeping, teething babe. Not that more teeth have made it through yet.

As far as what all our trip included, well, it could be summed up in the word PEOPLE. People people people everywhere wanted to meet Anna. And meet her they did. With our Christmas Eve travel delays, we had no day to decompress before we hit the ground running. Christmas Day is always a full one for us since we stay at my parents’ house, go to Aaron’s parents’ for Christmas with the immediate family, and then go to his grandparents’ for the big extended family dinner and gift exchange (and wrapping paper whipping contest).

We went to his parents’ as usual and had time with them plus Aaron’s brothers and their lovely ladies and daughters. Anna and her two-year-old cousin Autumn shared a sweet minute of holding onto each other and staring and then a big kiss from Autumn. This year things were a bit different in that we had dinner there instead of with everyone at his grandparents’—the big dinner was called off because of his grandmother’s health. Grandma S. was diagnosed with cancer not long ago and sadly it is a type for which they can do basically nothing at this point. She is at home receiving care from family and hospice. We did all gather at their house for time together and gifts, though, and I suspect that Grandma summoned great energy for and from having everyone together, as you probably would not have guessed she was sick had you not known. She is a wonderfully kind, sweet, yet strong woman. She tells us each time she sees us and in notes that she prays for us every single day and always wants to know specifically how to pray. I know she prays for Anna too so we were grateful that she and Grandpa both were able to meet her that day.

For once I was grateful the drive from there back to my parents’ is long since Anna needed the nap—more family waiting to meet her! My aunt, uncle, and Grandma H. had driven over from the Detroit area for the day (my brother and his wife had arrived the day before). Grandma wanted to hold that baby on her lap right away, finally! (Anna is the first great-grandchild on my side.) We had dessert and there were plenty of packages for Anna to rip open, now that she was an old pro at that game. My parents got her a walker/ride-on lion which makes music and emits a comical giggle/roar. She bends her knees and bops her booty as soon as she hears it, and she figured out fast that it’s pretty fun to shove around. Busy day!

The next day we didn’t have to drive anywhere, but more family descended: grandparents, aunt, and cousins from my mom’s side also arrived from the east (though being warned in a dream, some returned home in other directions). Papa wore his natty holly bow tie, my cousins as usual brought great comic relief, and my aunt provided lemon tarts and made a fantastic Ethiopia-to-U.S. map wall hanging for Anna. My mother tricked us all into decorating cookies in the traditional retro-psychedelic style and ridiculous quantities for which we are known.

The next few days were a little more relaxed, attempting to leave Anna time for at least one good nap a day (normally she is still a two-napper). We had meals out (or in) with friends and spent time with our families. Friday we got some beautiful fresh snow. Saturday night we were at FunnyWriterMommy and Beau’s house and their two-year-old was showing Anna how to run around like a crazy girl. For about a week Anna had been taking a few steps between us or objects when coaxed, but suddenly she saw that big girl walking around with a toy and thought I’m going after her! She took off on her own and then got brave to walk farther and farther distances across rooms. She loved practicing and soon really got the hang of it. Now she’s walking all over the house all the time like an old pro (okay, like a clutzy old pro who falls down a lot, but falls like an old pro too). Wow! (And yikes!)

By Saturday night Anna was getting my cold and didn’t sleep well because she was congested. She kept waking up needing to be patted or picked up to go back to sleep, but then it would only last a half hour (hmm, come to think of it, she gave us a reenactment of this last night). Finally we found our infant motrin and brought her into bed with us, and we she slept the rest of the night (guess whose pillow she always drifts onto?). We decided we needed to skip church and get some rest, though, since we had a big evening ahead. That day was the worst I felt throughout my cold. Anna perked up fine though.

Sunday night was the big “come meet Anna” open house there at my parents’ house. This really turned out to be a good idea since a lot of people were able to come and we could not possibly have seen them all otherwise. There were tons of kids running all over the house too—good thing Grandma seems to have a toy factory in her basement!

New Year’s Eve we had one last hurrah with old friends. The sweetness makes it that much harder to say good-bye. It was good we didn’t stay any later, though, because it was snowing like heck all the way home. Watched the ball drop at my parents’ but should have focused more on packing, because the next morning got frantic (sorry again Mom and Dad). It was kind of like how we left Ethiopia (yes, that tale will come in time). All to get to the airport and stand in a line for an hour . . . which brings us back to our return home (brings us back to 'Doh!') and the end of this scintillating saga. What travel or celebration tales will the next installment hold?

Generations

Politics (Addiction) As Usual

I am an on-and-off political junkie. I had been disconnected from the news and not thinking much about the presidential race, but I fell off the wagon (is it off the wagon or on the wagon?) the moment I saw the Internet headline “Obama Wins Iowa Caucus.” I immediately turned on CNN and experienced violent West Wing cravings.

My nerdiness waned but then peaked on New Hampshire primary day. I broke my own rules to keep the TV on with Anna wandering about able to watch (“Honey, too close. I know he’s pretty, but don’t kiss John Edwards.”).

First I heard Mitt Romney give, I'm sorry, a horrid speech. What a schmoe. How did I ever think he was a serious candidate? Clearly without having heard him.

Next, John McCain, and I thought, Dang, he’s presidential. Okay, maybe mostly in a "The state of the Union is boring" kind of way. But did you know that at age 71 he is older than the state of Alaska?

Later I saw John Edwards speak. Preach, brother! I like that kid. He’s a good storyteller.

Then we saw Barack Obama, GLORY HALLELUJAH AMEN YES WE CAN!

Finally came Hillary Clinton, and I thought, Damn, she’s smart. Who’s crying now? (Answer: Wolf Blitzer.)

Who's going to win? Beats me, but I’m not ashamed to admit I like watching the game. ’Cuz at the end of it, don’t blame me, I voted for Bartlet.

Happy primary day, Michigan. Too bad you only half count.

Reporter: In addition, Mike Huckabee can draw on strong pro-life support from a very large Dutch community.

Jon Stewart: I always knew Huckabee was in the pocket of big wooden shoe!

Colds and Kids Hanging On

More on Christmas festivities and Ethiopia soon, but I wanted to just write a quick update.

I am really sick of being sick. Or as Aaron carefully put it as I hacked in bed, "I'm glad you don't get colds very often." I am getting better, though--or at least feeling better due to near-narcotic levels of cold medicine. I really need to get back into a regular routine, though a certain little person's BIRTHDAY (what?!) is sure to distract.

Along with the cold hanging on, Anna has been hanging onto us a lot since we've been home. She was amazing, really, with all the new people and places and experiences over Christmas. Not until the last night did she get unwilling to sit with new people and more wanting mom and dad. But the day after we got home? Super cling-on, and kind of generally fussy. Sometimes we can't even leave the room without her whining. Crying or grumpy after afternoon naps. She's been pickier about food too although I'm not suave enough to quite know what's maybe teething and what's tiredness or early-onset toddler-ness. But the not wanting to be left alone is the most definite.

I know this is the age where separation anxiety is common, but given the timing, I think it's more attachment related. Like I said, she just went through a whole lot of "new." She met dozens of new people (probably 50 percent of whom held her) and slept in a new room and drove in a new car to new places and heck, even the ground was a new color. She liked most of it, but it was a lot, and not a lot of routine or naps to go with it some days. I was actually amazed how well she did for so long. So I'm not surprised that she's showing a little "anxious attachment." We have to remember that she still hasn't been with us as long as she was bouncing around orphanage care. Of course she's not completely, 100 percent securely attached--we feel she's doing well, but we have to keep working on it.

Meanwhile, well, I guess I'll be the Velcro, you bring the birthday cake!


If you're interested in attachment/adoption/people (oh how I sadly see this in teenagers!), check out this detailed article: "Attachment 101: A Primer for Parents: How Attachment Relationships Impact Brain Development."

2007 in Lyrics

January…

If there’s no one beside you when you soul embarks
I’ll follow you into the dark…
___________

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls…
It’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
Can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

February…

Waiting for you to arrive,
Where does the time go?
Where does the time go?
Where does the time go?
Where does the time go?

March…

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
_____

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

April…

Anna begins.
_____

Down among the reeds and rushes
A baby girl was found
Her eyes as clear as centuries
Her silky hair was brown

Never been lonely
Never been lied to
Never had to scuffle in fear
Nothing denied to
Born at the instant
The church bells chime
And the whole world whispering
Born at the right time
_____

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

May…

O great God
Be small enough
To hear me now

There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
O great God, be close enough to feel me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping
Like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
O great God

(Are you small enough?)
Be small enough to hear
Me now
_____

Tuesday night at the Bible study
We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens

Oh the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes
_____

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately

June…

This far will you come but no more.
This far will you come but no more.
Who holds back the raging sea?
Who keeps trouble far from me?
This far will you come but no more.
_____

I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth

Oh how I need You, Lord
You are my only hope
You’re my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life
_____

I feel your fingers trace the scars
I thought were hidden from your view
I am surprised to hear you call them blessed
And say they brought me here to you

You sacrifice your skepticism
And me, I sacrifice my fear
But I insist it wasn't pain, no -
It was grace that brought us here

July…

This barren July
We both wake up so dry
That no more tears can leave us.
And all we've found
Are roads we can't go down,
Eyes on a day we can't see. . . .

One friend came in
Out of nowhere, with lit
Sparklers in both her hands for me,
And saved the day
When I had run away
To envy and black feelings.
And the world at night
Could see the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

July, July,
The man I love and I
Will lift our heads together.
July, July,
I've seen the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.
_____

But I would not give you false hope, no
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
_____

This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.

Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday….

There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.
_____

This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away
And Anna begins to change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it’s love
And O Lord, I’m not ready for this sort of thing
She’s talking in her sleep, it’s keeping me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand it and
O Lord, I’m not ready for this sort of thing

August…

Listen how fast my little girl’s heart beats
When she sees me
We hold each other so close
We dance around and around
She likes the music that I play
She wants to bust out laughing
She's learnin' how
She wonders if I'm home to stay
Listen how fast my little girl’s heart beats
When she sees me
_____

It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable
_____

'Cause I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would cross any line, I'd swim across the sea
I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would lose it all, take my fall
To show you it's for real

September…

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999.
_____

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself . . . what a wonderful world.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself . . . what a wonderful world

October…

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father,
He calls me his own
He’ll never leave me,
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
_____

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig,
I wish the real world would just stop hassling me
Please don't change, please don't break
The only thing that seems to work at all is you
Please don't change, at all from me
To you, and you to me
_____

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be.
Lord knows we’ve learned the hard way all about healthy apathy.
And I use these words pretty loosely.
There’s so much more to life than words.

And I’m dyin’ inside to leave you with more than just cliches.
But tell them it’s real. Tell them it’s really real.
I just don’t have much left to say.
They’ve taken their toll these latter days.
They’ve taken their toll these latter days.
_____

All I need is everything.
Inside, outside feel new skin.
All I need is everything.
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again.

November…

No money to spend
No ship comin' in
But we're gonna see it through together

Times may be hard
We're crippled and scarred
But we're gonna see it through together

Dreams of a lifetime
Way past the deadline
We're pushing up an incline
But I believe we'll be just fine

No money to spend
No ship comin' in
But we're gonna see it through together
_____

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

Thank you India
Thank you Providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
_____

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev'ry promise is enough
For ev'ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To him who reigns above,
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,
Whose ev'ry thought is love.
For ev'ry day I have on earth
Is given by the King;
So I will give my life, my all,
To love and follow him

December…

Changes come
Turn my world around
_____

And you ask me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Home from the Holidays

We are back home after a wonderful but tiring trip. We had a lot of fun with family and friends, although I will say it probably would have been a bit more fun had I not gotten sick right before we left, stayed sick the entire time, and come home sick. I hope to somehow find the missing ingredient--rest--and kick this cold soon.

Travel to went askew for us as for so many others. We intended to take the red-eye and go through Minneapolis, but the flight out was delayed until 2:00 a.m. so we would have missed our connection, spent all day in the Minny airport, and arrived late at night. So we opted to spend a short night in Portland, leave early, go through Detroit, and arrive in the evening, only 12 hours after we'd intended. All things considered--long flight and napping on the floor of the airport--Anna did wonderfully. My brother and his wife barely beat us to the farm, arriving 24 hours after they'd intended. (All things considered, my mother did wonderfully.)

On the way home all NWA flights were running late, so they threw us on a different flight so we'd make our connection. That meant hasty good-byes and no time to eat, go to the bathroom, or get water and make up a bottle. Aaron was left alone in row 2 with Anna and the diaper bag while I bounced around the back of the plane hoping he'd get my psychic message There's a pacifier in the front of the diaper bag. He didn't, but they both made it without crying. The second leg we were reunited and she slept a good while.

We are enjoying the quiet, eating soup, emptying bags, opening mail, and getting back to work. Before long I hope to unfog my brain and get pictures loaded and tales told. I'm barely sure what day it is, but 2008 seems to have started without us. Happy new year.

We'll Be Home for Christmas

Sorry, I should have said next post on Ethiopia would be partying with Solomon and noted I've no idea when that will be. It won't be this weekend, because we're busy scurrying around getting ready to fly out to Michigan tomorrow night. Aaron has been fighting a cold, and now my head is feeling like junk, although that might be partly because I was lying on the floor and Anna fell with her forehead smacking full force directly into my nose. Seriously, ouch.

My mother will start worrying about me flying with a cold in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . commence worry.

I am more worried about Anna deciding to grow another tooth in midair, since today she seemed to be hurting and drooling up a storm again. Nice timing. Sorry, fellow passengers.

We had our little mini-Christmas today, which was mainly our stockings. Her favorite item was the packs of wipes. They make a nice hat. As does her Grinch bib. And of course the paper. It's fun to make a mess.



A couple friends came over with clam chowder for dinner and too many desserts and watched Christmas Vacation with us. If you want to make Aaron laugh out loud, just put in a Chevy Chase movie. But watch out--he pre-laughs when the best gags are coming.

Now that we've had ourselves a merry little Christmas here at home, we'll be home (the other home) for Christmas, and I'm dreaming of a white one. Grandma's got the snowsuit waiting.

Hope we see you there, Michigan friends.

Ethiopia Trip: Day 4-5

Monday morning we had breakfast and left for the orphanage at about 9:30 again. This morning it was sunny and much warmer. While we were waiting for the babies the kids were out in the play area and some of them, mostly girls, were sorting lentil beans. They were picking small rocks out of them. It was a lot of beans and they said it was one day’s worth. I took some pictures and Kate and I walked around the grounds a bit.

This morning Anna was wearing the red outfit with snowmen we saw her wearing in some pictures and knitted booties, plus a pink jacket we took off. She immediately spit up on me. She was much more burpy and farty today but just as happy. Aaron was making faces and looking away like he wasn’t looking at her and then suddenly kissing and tickling her and she loved it. She was watching him, following his face, and then when he looked at her she burst into giggles. She even started smiling a little before he did it like she knew he was about to.
At about 11:00 she started getting a little fussy. I held her to my chest and she shook her head and rubbed her face into me—no no no no no I’m not tired! Then she fell asleep. She stayed asleep on me until Wendi came and we took the girls back to the nannies at almost noon. The sweetest, sweetest thing . . .

We decided that after lunch we would go see and do some things around town. We went to the National Museum where the skeleton Lucy is kept (my camera batteries ran out). Some guys were making a music video about Lucy for tourism, to help change Ethiopia’s image from negative to good things like this. So we stood there four in a row like we were going to have our picture taken, but they were videotaping, so we didn’t know what we were supposed to do, look down at Lucy or up at the camera, while the guy was talking to us. It was kind of funny. We spent a little while more there, then went to the Hilton and checked email for a while. Then we went to a shopping center and bought a few souvenirs and tried to find a sweatshirt for Aaron but couldn’t. I felt like I spent a lot of money but so far on the trip (today) I spent $100. Here's photos of us at the wonderful ice cream shop, Bruno's, and Jon's amazing Spaghetti Ice.

Dinner at the guest house was good, and then we just relaxed in front of the fire and TV. Kate's funny--she reminds me of my college roommate--and she tried to suck us all in to her guilty pleasure of watching the cheesy nighttime soap show North Shore every night. After that came Oprah. English with Arabic subtitles.

Tuesday the weather was drying out. In the morning we went to Sintiyehu’s (the lawyer's) office to finish the embassy paperwork. He is very nice. He said they had 14 families coming between then and the end of August. I had tea and Aaron had Ethiopian style coffee—basically espresso, which they put lots of sugar in but Aaron doesn’t. We then went and saw Anna.

At lunch it was semi-sunny so I took a bunch of pictures around the guest house of the flowers, birds, turtles. Jon came out to see what all the hollering and noise outside the gate in the road was all about (couldn’t determine) and the old man guard was starting to weave cloth; he doesn’t speak English but showed some finished cloth to indicate that was what he was doing. He held a spindle with about six spools of fine thread on it and walked along stringing it between trees. He has worn a path there parallel to the wall from the driveway by the gate down out of sight past the car port and garden. He smiled for pictures and got a kick out of seeing himself in Jon's video camera. He has the most beautiful, patient, wise face.

While waiting for them to bring out Anna in the afternoon we asked Solomon to show us around Toukoul. They don’t let us in the baby rooms because of germs, but we saw playrooms, dining rooms/after school tutoring areas, older kids’ activity rooms, the dorm building. I think Solomon said there are about 200 kids there total. They go to public school; nannies walk them to the bus. After school they get extra help with homework or do activities. Laundry is hanging on lines, on bushes, on fences, on play equipment almost all the time at Toukoul. You never saw so much laundry! It is a pretty sight.

Next post: Partying with Solomon!

A Public Service Announcement

We interrupt this broadcast for a public service announcement for those in the greater West Michigan area.

Due to our inability to be fifteen places at once and unwillingness to triple-book our teething baby into exhaustion as we have in the past been wont to do to ourselves, we would like to invite those of you who would like to meet Anna to come over to Wendy's parents' house on Sunday, December 30th. This informal "open house" will start at 5:00 p.m. and extend until we all get tired of each other or the old people (that's us now) want to go to bed. No circle time of sharing wisdom into spatulas will be required this time.

If you don't know where The Farm is, email me. If you don't know either where it is or how to get in touch with us, umm, you're probably actually not invited, random stalker person.

We will soon return to our regularly scheduled story broadcast.

Ethiopia Trip: Day 3: Meeting Anna

I am going to give you Day 3 of our trip pretty much as I journaled it the next day, with a few additions. July 15, 2007--meeting Anna.

At Toukoul orphanage you meet your children in a small room with a few couches and chairs, red carpet, poor lighting. We sat for perhaps ten or fifteen minutes before someone told Jon, standing outside, they were coming. A smiling nanny appeared with a little bundle—Yegetanesh. Anna. The nanny was smiling broadly and Anna was looking around and smiling too. She is so small! We just stood there grinning stupidly at her and laughing nervously for a minute. I wasn’t sure if I could take her from the nanny or not; I didn’t want to be rude and pull her away but I wanted to take her. Then I did and she came happily to me and smiled over my shoulder at Aaron. She seemed to weigh nothing. Her smile is incredible. The guard who opens the gate into the orphanage came to the door and made kissing noises at her to make her look and laugh. After a minute I let Aaron take her—I knew he really wanted to! Then after a couple minutes we sat down on the couch so we could both see her together. She sat and bounced happily, just smiling and laughing at just about anything.

The moment we saw her was so surreal. All we felt was happy; we didn't cry. But Jon did! I think I would have been the same way watching someone else from the outside. We were on too much happy adrenaline.

She had on a red dress with white and red jacket and red tights, so we couldn’t see much of her like her feet. But her precious hands are so tiny. Her hair is so soft with a few loose curls forming on top and in back. Her nose is the tiniest. Her eyes are so deep brown and so big. Her eyelashes are so long and beautiful.

We played with her mostly on our laps and a little on the floor. She seems to be able to sit up mostly on her own but she’s a little tippy. She can push up pretty well on her stomach. At first she didn’t seem to push with her legs much, like when I put her weight on them, but later she was kicking and pushing back strong when lying down. She thinks all the faces we make at her, especially Aaron, are hilarious—she downright squeals with glee. I can’t believe how happy she is. Are we biased to say we have the most beautiful, happy, lovey baby in all of Addis?

She did have a bit of a runny nose and a chest cold. She wheezed when she breathed and with her little face, well . . . she reminded me of Yoda--funny old wheezy "Eh! Eh! Eh!" Empire Strikes Back Yoda (not some lame newer Yoda).

Help you I will!

At about 11:30 she started getting tired, not really fussy but fighting tiredness. Aaron put her on his chest and rubbed the back of her neck and her ears and she fell asleep.

At noon the nannies came and took the babies back, and Wendi took us back to the guest house for lunch. We went back at about 3:00 for more time with the babies. After lunch the babies had apparently had theirs too as they were spitting up a fair amount. Anna took more interest in the monkey rattle in the afternoon. We could only stay until 5:00 or perhaps 5:30.

While we were at the orphanage it suddenly rained—poured. Buckets of huge drops. In no time the yard at Toukoul had an inch of water standing. It was like a heavy Oregon storm but no wind.

Dinner was at about 7:30. At lunch we had moved from the separate guest house room to a room in the main house because it would be warmer for Aaron—he was really cold when he got up in the night and morning the first night. The privacy of the outside room and bathroom was nice but it is nice to be here in the house with Kate and Jon, easier to hang out in the living room and go back and forth to the room. I got us semi-organized before bed. I brought way too much crap, not enough long pants, Aaron’s zip hoodie didn’t get in and neither did my sling. Doh!

We went to bed at about 9:15. I woke up at 3:00 am and could not get back to sleep; I was thinking of everything we had to do and wanted to do and all these things. I heard the call to prayer again. I think I got back to sleep again a little bit before the alarm went off at 7:00.

Ethiopia Trip: Days 1-2: Travel

I can't promise I'll get through it all before our Christmas trip, but I've decided to take a shot at telling about our trip since I just finished journaling about it. (Yes, I know it's five months later.) Let the storytelling begin.

On July 13, 2007, our friends Janice and Terry took us to the airport. We got to the airport at 11:00. Janice helped us get the luggage to the line but it was tricky getting it back to where they take it into security—two suitcases and one big Rubbermaid bin, plus backpacks—since Aaron couldn’t really lift it (remember this is just about five weeks after open heart surgery!), but we managed. Then we got through security and had enough time to get some fast food to eat. That was a mistake—in business class you get a three-course meal!

Business class did not disappoint even six-foot-five-plus Aaron. Legroom? Ha! You could have a dance party up there in Row 1. And your seat is not a seat, it’s a Transformer with its own remote control. Between eating and drinking (which takes a long time with tablecloths and courses) and refreshing ourselves with hot towels and sleeping, we didn’t even have time to watch movies on our personal screens or even read books (we were too tired for reading anyway). We got to Frankfurt at about 8:00 a.m. their time. I wasn’t too impressed with that airport (though the part we were in coming home was better). It’s huge, but that wing had two-seater bathrooms and no drinking fountains, and we couldn’t go into the sitting area by the gate until the previous flight was gone, and there appeared to be some holdup with the German Pen & Teller’s tickets, so we stood or sat on the hard floor in the hallway a long time. Then we took a packed bus to our plane. Finally the comfort of business class again, and now I got a window. Took off at right around 11:00 am. We refueled in Khartoum, Sudan, and a bunch of people got off. Only a couple more hours to Addis.

We did it. We’re in Africa.

I’d been a little afraid getting off the plane would be busy and chaotic, but it was easy. We went directly into the room to get our visas, which was simple. We changed some money, then stood in line and went through the customs window, then got our bags onto a cart. Well, again, I got our bags onto a cart while Aaron stood there feeling lame and looking lazy/cruel. He said later he should have given me a 'hurry up, woman!' slap on the butt just for further effect.

Heading out, I didn’t realize we needed the baggage claim stubs we’d been given at PDX and I’d stuck in my zip ticket holder, and I couldn’t figure out what the guy was demanding—“Tickets! Tickets!” Then I was flustered and hot from hefting the suitcases around and just wanted to find the agency's lawyer, Sintiyehu—but didn’t see him. Some people had signs but none said Dove. I tried to act like we knew where we were going but a couple guys asked if we needed a taxi or to use their phone. I was a little freaked but the paper said go outside and follow the sidewalk so we did, all the way down to where cars pulled up, where fortunately a man asked if we were us, Dove Adoptions—our driver Wendi. Thank goodness! Sinti was inside but we had missed him; he said he showed me his sign and I said no. Whoops. We loaded up, tipped an unsolicited luggage helper, and were off. It was very warm out, felt good.

Our room at the guest house was a room with a queen bed and bathroom off it and bedroom with two twins and a wardrobe. I'd heard it was rather like camping but I didn't think so. But first we went in the house and they had dinner ready for us. We met a couple who has been here a while already and done some traveling, Kate and Jon, from Alaska. They talked to us a bit while we ate a little but we really weren’t hungry because of all the airplane food, so we ditched out to go to bed. I slept pretty well but it was cold in the room and Aaron got really cold when he got out of bed (as he had ever since surgery). In the night we heard dogs barking and I heard the mosque call to prayer, but they weren’t loud or bad. I woke up a little before the alarm went off at 7:00 but it was very dark in the room. And . . . no power. I found the crank flashlight to get my clothes around and discovered there was still hot water, so Aaron took a shower. Okay, maybe it is a bit like camping, I thought at this point.

Then I opened the door and felt like Dorothy in the Land of Oz: the sun was shining brightly on huge, bright green leaves, colorful flowers, dewy grass, cheerful birds.

We had breakfast at about 8:00. Very good. Starting to get nervous and emotional about meeting Anna . . .

Wendi drove us over to the orphanage care center at 9:30. Kate and Jon asked him to tell them to have them bring out our girl first since we hadn’t met her yet, and Jon was going to use their little DVD burner camera for us and Kate used our camera. We were ready . . . right?

All She Got for Christmas Is

All she wants for Christmas is . . .

Hold it . . .

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A TOOTH.

Actually, two front teeth.

FINALLY.

Aren't they cute?

I am just glad she has some so I can finally say yes to all the people that ask. Same reason I'm glad she's now crawling, standing, balancing, and at least attempting new sounds. She has really come a long way in the last month or so, but for a while there I felt like I said "Not yet..." to every question.

It's not the questioners' fault, of course. It's just natural to talk about other/your own kids when you meet someone else's, and they are watching her grow just as we are. And clueless new mamas like me need to know what other kids are up to to have the vaguest idea what ours are "supposed" to be doing. I wouldn't have known Anna's teeth were on the slow side coming in unless I'd been asked a hundred times and heard how little Einstein got his at four months. The thing is, I wouldn't have felt bad about hers being slow either.

There's a sly kind of competition in the comparisons sometimes--even if it's fighting a guilt that's purely self-imposed. Why should I feel bad that my daughter doesn't have teeth? It's not a reflection on me, as if I could do a thing to speed them up. It's not a sign of adoption difficulties or third-world nutrition or being licked by the dog too many times that I should feel defensive about. It's just teeth, and here they came in their own sweet eleventh-month time.

But I let it nag at me sometimes that maybe she's behind. Maybe she's not catching up as fast as she should be. Maybe I should be reading to her more, feeding her more variety, leaving her with others more, taking her out less. Maybe Early Intervention will be needed and they will revoke her status as Ethiopian Adoption Poster Child. And then what does that do to me as Poster Mother? (They just take the T. Make it Poser Mother.)

Every time I start to worry, though, she learns a new trick (or grows a new incisor) to reassure me. Look, I'm standing, I'm crawling, I'm able to leave a path of chaos through the house in a single bound. I'm sippying my cup and I'm hiding my own face to peekaboo you. I'm renewing my interest in the contents of this drawer and the word Mamamamamama. I'll take that step before you know it, and then there's no slowing down.

Really, world, what's the rush?


Moms (and dads), let's hear your thoughts: Do you ever get caught in the comparison trap? Why do you think we do this? Why are we in such a hurry for our kids to get to the next thing, and how can we remember to enjoy them as they are each day?

Burning Questions (and Budgets)

There are things the Internets know and things the Internets want to know.

The Internets including my friends, my in-laws, project managers, authors, students, and others who might have wanted to come over to my house but will now decline, know all about my stinky pets and other noncleanliness issues. Nice. Ray of hope: all my Christmas dreams are coming true thanks to the good folks at (that's why they call it) Woot!

Meanwhile, the Internets demand to know why I carved a pumpkin in December. Technically I didn't carve it, just did a Sylar on it (now there's an image). I should have gone ahead and carved a Christmas tree into it and taken a photo for you all. But why? Isn't this obvious? For the seeds! Glorious, glorious roasted pumpkin seeds. It's sad that I couldn't find time to extract them in October but even more tragic that when I finally did, I burned them. D'oh!

Speaking of Christmas dreams, Aaron's was a nightmare, because yesterday his PalmPilot went on the fritz. Which is to say his life went on the fritz, because a PalmPilot is the best geeky-man's ADD drug in existence. Not something I could expect him to live without, and so it is that our Christmas money is spent before we even get it. Fa la la la la, story of our lives.

I got all my rush projects done yesterday. I ordered some items which are ridiculously practical but I'm ridiculously excited about; we'll make them Anna's Christmas presents (hopefully they'll come in a nice box she'll like). I got photo Christmas cards ordered, although I'm not thrilled with them. We're just not that photogenic, save Anna, of course. I won't reveal that photo, but here's a couple from "Hanging of the Greens" night at church. It's one of our favorite times with our church family, and the church looks gorgeous this time of year. The bold little preacher tried out the pulpit. "Yo! Jesus is coming! A ba ba ba ba da da yah!"

Decembering

The correct answer to last blog's question was of course (d). My mom is missing the point, which is not that I was busy but that I carved a pumpkin after putting up a tree. Make cookies? Are you delusional?! I should mention that I also cleaned the roaster which was put into the cupboard not exactly fully scrubbed . . . after Thanksgiving.

One more day on deadline and I'll have a little breathing room. By breathing room I mean time to unearth my desk, balance accounts, order Christmas cards, figure out what gifts we're buying, start buying them, get a grip on our Michigan schedule, and pick up branches and shingles from the yard. Bonus activities would be cleaning any part of the house, looking at readoption papers (please tell me there's no tax advantage to finishing this in 2007, 'cuz it ain't happening), and oh, why not take up roofing to put on some shingles and plumbing to figure out why the sink is dripping?

At least I have a little elf to help me with it all!

Seasonal Dyslexic Disorder

What seasonally-associated activity did my weekend include? Try this short quiz.

1. On Saturday, I:
(a) hung laundry outside to dry
(b) cut and decorated a Christmas tree
(c) carved a pumpkin
(d) all of the above

From the House of Catch-Up

Tonight the Husband of the Year is off to the first high school basketball game with his little girl in tow after emailing me from work the fateful, sexy words “If you need a break from the girl, I could take her to the game with me if you want to just chill at home or something.” I rewarded his sexiness by taking him up on the offer. If I can remember what “just chill at home” means, I will turn off on Oprah and do it as soon as I finish up this blog my work project.

I have been on deadline all week. I like to say “on deadline” because it sounds like I work at the newspaper with Superman. Really it just means I worked so slow that my projects became no longer staggered. Bah, holidays and hurricanes. Hoorah, income. Um, mixed feelings about needing to use scissors in my line of work.

Tonight I used the lazy man’s thesaurus on Microsoft Word looking for a synonym for insight. It suggested imminent, approaching, just around the corner, about to happen. I’d say Word is a little lacking in sharpness, shrewdness, good judgment, intelligence, expertise.

I know all y’all really care about is pictures of Anna, so stay tuned, Christmasey photo ops have begun. Speaking of Christmas, the nerdy time schedule Excel spreadsheet for our trip to Michigan is now taking reservations, so if you’re wondering when our paths may cross, drop me an email.

Little House in the Big Wind

We enjoyed a nice 30-hour stretch of indoor camping here on the coast, since the hurricane-force winds knocked out the power right after church Sunday (as in while we were still in the church). Since we couldn't watch football (thank God for small mercies, this week), Aaron and Waltino threw one around outside in the wind in between runs of the bulldozer pushing branches off the street. They were hoping to see a big tree fall. Thankfully the big trees are all far enough away from our house to make that a fun game. When it got too wild we wind-watched from inside, eating cold foods and wearing extra clothes. During a lull we drove down for a peek at the waves.

I think Anna wondered why we didn't turn on any lights (we had plenty of candles though, set up high) and why she was wearing pajamas with clothes over them, but she didn't mind us having nothing to do but play with her all night.

It's odd to have no power all day. It's one thing for it to go out at night--you use a flashlight to head to bed. But two days with no work, no computers, no TV, no cooking, nowhere to go . . . feels odd. I did sort out a bunch of papers cluttering my office today. But last night we were content to listen to the wind, to feel small, to chat, to watch the candlelight, to make a little girl laugh and hold her when she got sleepy. We bundled up under quilts to rest in utter darkness, waking often but safe from the chaos outside, and we stayed three in the bed as long as possible in the morning.

The winds continue to blow and many on the coast are still without power, but we have heat and light and each other, and a good reminder how precious they are.

World AIDS Day 2007

December 1—World AIDS Day.

I have pontificated before on the staggering scope of the global AIDS pandemic. On the millions of orphans. On how the scandalously inexpensive drugs which prevent mother-child transmission or keep mothers, fathers, doctors, farmers alive are simply not available to the poorest victims.

World Vision reports that 30 percent of Americans say they know little or nothing at all about the AIDS issue.

What have you learned about HIV since last December 1?

Yet 74 percent believe they individually “should play my part, however small” to help those affected by AIDS, and 69 percent of the respondents indicated they would be willing to donate to help children impacted by AIDS.

What have you done to help?

It’s easy to say I should, we should, they should. Yet often it’s surprisingly almost as easy to learn something new, to get a different perspective, to write a letter, to sponsor a child, to offer a prayer. I don’t do everything I feel I “should” do either. But I’m determined to do something.

Here are some places we can start learning and doing:

My favorite: World Vision’s interactive AIDS quiz which everyone should take.

World Vision's Countdown to World AIDS Day site also has some great videos and ways to get involved including humanitarian assistance programs such as caregiver kits and a highly regarded child sponsorship program.

Here's an informative Transracial Adoption Blog post.

Join the ONE Campaign to Make Poverty History. Sign their “On the Record” campaign to urge all presidential candidates to explain their plans to combat global issues including AIDS, malaria, education, and clean water.

Give a gift to help or sponsor an HIV-positive Ethiopian child through AHOPE for Children. Or even adopt one—more and more families are doing so!